A Personal Story

Before I get to the lying part of this post, I'm going to tell you some things about me. For a start, I love music, and I sing almost constantly. Music is pretty much my life. I'm also struggling with depression, mainly because my mother's expectations are basically tearing me apart. I obsess over things a little bit (right now it's The Boondock Saints). I get bored of things really quickly. I get angry all the time because of little things, especially when I'm talking to my mother. I love my Daddy.

Now to get to the point.

I am a compulsive liar. If you've met me, I've lied to you. It might have been a little lie or a massive web of lies. Maybe I told you I have a best friend who's father owns a restaurant, or perhaps I told you about the death of a friend, or a drug addiction. My lies are usually based on the daydreams I have all the time, in which I can control what happens to me and who I am.

I try to physically or emotionally distance myself from people to try and stop myself lying to them. My lying makes me feel trapped, because I know that if people find out they will not believe any real problems I tell them about. As a result of my lying, I find it hard to trust anything other people say, because I know just how easy it is for someone to lie. I have also become paranoid, thinking that I am that friend everyone hates, and worrying that no one believes anything I say, even the truths. I believe my lying has contributed to my depression, which has in turn led to my constantly thinking about suicide. I hate myself for lying, because it hurts the people I love and makes trusting me very difficult.

Misconceptions

There are a lot of misconceptions around compulsive and pathological lying.

First of all, people seem to use the terms compulsive liar and pathological liar interchangeably. Compulsive liars will lie about anything, all the time, regardless of the situation. Pathological liars usually only lie when it will help them get what they want. A pathological liar will lie in order to get a date or a promotion at work. A compulsive liar might lie about what they had for lunch, or inexplicably invent a holiday to Fiji, complete with photos taken straight from Google images. The difference is the reason behind the lie.

Pathological liars are seen as horrible, cold, unfeeling people. However, they simply do not see how this is wrong. Their morality system is different, and it is a genuine mental illness. Pathological lying is just one part of a larger illness called Sociopathy. Other traits include:

• Superficial charm.
• Manipulative behaviour.
• Lack of remorse, shame, or guilt.
• Joy, love, and compassion are often not genuine.
• Need for excitement. Often gambles or displays promiscuous behaviour.
• Lack of empathy.
• Lack of impulse control.
• Early behaviour problems.
• Irresponsibility.
• Lack of realistic life plan.

Sociopathy is difficult to deal with, whether it is in yourself or in someone you are close with, but with therapy and medication, it can be treated.

 

(He's not actually a sociopath, high-functioning or otherwise. Psychologists are getting cross.)

Another misconception is that compulsive liars can stop lying whenever they want to. Compulsive liars feel compelled to lie, and often cannot stop. Sometimes they might not even realise they are doing it. It becomes so much a part of their life, that it is easier than telling the truth. Even after they realise what they are doing, it is very hard to stop, simply because it becomes as much of an addiction as drugs or alcohol. You wouldn’t tell an anorexic to ‘just eat’, or a drug user to ‘just stop doing it’. So don’t try and tell a compulsive liar to ‘just stop lying’, because it will not help. They can stop, in time, with therapy and perseverance.

How to deal with it

How to deal with someone who compulsively or pathologically lies. 

• Assume that everything they say is a lie, unless you are absolutely sure it is true.
• Accept that this person is not trustworthy or reliable.
• Do not react in the way they want you to. Some pathological or compulsive liars want people to react with awe, surprise, sympathy, etc. If you don't do this, they will get bored and move on.
• Identify their patterns of lying. When do they lie the most often? What do they lie about? A lot of compulsive liars will lie more often when they are stressed, or their lies will become more outrageous. 
• Don't call them a liar, or be angry with them. Do not lose your calm.
• A pathological liar is often very cold, and has problems with relationships. If they are causing you too much stress, you might want to think about whether it is worth keeping your relationship with them.
• Don't try and prove that what they said was a lie. Compulsive and pathological liars can get defensive and sometimes aggressive when confronted.

 

 

• If they say something that is untrue, and you know they will not become upset or aggressive, talk to them about it privately "I'm not angry at you, but I don't think that what you said about ... was true." If you confront them privately they are more likely to admit to it.
• Understand that pathological liars are not bad people, they simply do not see how their behaviour will affect others.
• Suggest that they talk to a therapist. Compulsive and pathological lying can be treated.
• Do not take it personally. This person will behave this way with everyone.

How to deal with your own compulsive or pathological lying.

• See a therapist about it. While there is no absolute guarantee of success, therapy has been known to work.
• Talk to your close friends. Tell them about your lying and explain that you simply cannot stop. Obviously, it is difficult to admit to. Your reputation and friendships are at stake, but it is so much better than them finding out by uncovering a major tangled web of lies, or from someone else, and will not damage trust as much. Besides, they probably already suspect.
• Even if you're in the middle of a sentence, or you've already told half the story, it's never too late to say "never mind..." or "haha just kidding! I never met Darren Criss!" and inconspicuously change the subject.

(Seriously though, who wouldn't want to meet Darren Criss?)

• Know that lies are not as interesting as the truth. If you lie constantly, then any interesting truths you tell will always be under suspicion.
• Have a visual reminder. A bracelet, ring, or drawing on your hand might help you remember. I have a ring and a necklace, and am considering drawing a STOP sign on my hand, to remind me to stop lying. Cheesy, I know, but it might just work.
• Identify when you lie most often. Often compulsive liars are driven by stress, the need to be accepted by someone, or a feeling of low-self esteem. You might find you are lying more after someone insults your appearance, around a particular person who you want to impress, or when a major exam is coming up. Sometimes treating the original problem will help the lying go away.
• Understand that lying hurts people.
• Tell one person, and ask them to watch out for when they think you are lying and give you a sign (a frown, a nudge, a raised eyebrow), to get you on the right track again.
• Accept that, like any addiction, it will take time and effort to stop. You most likely will be unable to stop cold-turkey, but keep trying and you can beat it.

Introduction (the logical first post, don't you think?)

First of all, know that everything I say on this blog will be absolutely true, to the best of my knowledge.

This blog serves 3 purposes:
1. to document my journey with lying as I try and find out why I lie and how I can stop lying.
2. to talk freely about my lies and how they have affected me and the people around me, with no fear of being judged or found out by the people I love.
and 3. to perhaps help, guide, or encourage anyone else who is struggling with compulsive or pathological lying.

Some definitions:

A sociopath or a pathological liar is typically defined as someone who lies incessantly to get their way and does so with little concern for others. A sociopath is often goal-oriented (i.e., lying is focused and it is done to get one's way).  Sociopaths have little regard or respect for the rights and feelings of others. Sociopaths are often charming and charismatic, but they use their talented social skills in manipulative and self-centered ways.

If this is you, don't feel ashamed because of the harsh label given to it (doesn't sociopath sound like psychopath?), remember that it is, above all else, a mental disorder, same as anorexia, depression, alcohol addictions, etc.

A compulsive liar is defined as someone who lies out of habit. Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions. Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small.  For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right. Compulsive lying is usually thought to develop in early childhood, due to being placed in an environment where lying was necessary. For the most part, compulsive liars are not overly manipulative and cunning (unlike sociopaths), rather they simply lie out of habit, as an automatic response which is hard to break and one that takes its toll on relationships. 

This is what I have diagnosed myself with, though it is of course possible that I'm wrong. You can decide for yourself which one I fit into after I have told you more about me.

 

My lying:

• My lies range from little tiny things (the colour of my socks, or an allergy) to massive, important things (an abusive relationship, a non-existent twin, a crazy dangerous exciting glamourous double life).
• I lie every day, and often don't realise that I'm lying.
• Lying comes so naturally to me. It just feels right.
• I get upset when people find out, to the point of feeling physically sick. I try and cover up or prove my lies as much as I can, and go to crazy lengths to prove them (making several fake email addresses when someone asked me to get them in contact with some people I'd invented, complete with background stories and photos of random unknown actors)
• I have been doing it for as long as I can remember, and my first 'major' lie I can remember was when I was maybe 8 or 9, and I made up some sort of magical, supernatural being, based on something I'd read about in a book about Ancient Egypt. Being 8 years old, my friend naturally believed me. I think every time I lied and got away with it, I became more and more convinced that it was ok to do.
• Though I'm currently in therapy for my lying, I continue to lie to my therapist about my progress. If anything, it has worsened.

Whether you're a pathological liar, compulsive liar, or another kind, lying hurts us and the people we love. Trust is broken, friendships are destroyed, and we start to feel like we don't know ourselves anymore. We become so good at lying that we manage to lie to ourselves. And that's the worst kind of lie.