Introduction (the logical first post, don't you think?)

First of all, know that everything I say on this blog will be absolutely true, to the best of my knowledge.

This blog serves 3 purposes:
1. to document my journey with lying as I try and find out why I lie and how I can stop lying.
2. to talk freely about my lies and how they have affected me and the people around me, with no fear of being judged or found out by the people I love.
and 3. to perhaps help, guide, or encourage anyone else who is struggling with compulsive or pathological lying.

Some definitions:

A sociopath or a pathological liar is typically defined as someone who lies incessantly to get their way and does so with little concern for others. A sociopath is often goal-oriented (i.e., lying is focused and it is done to get one's way).  Sociopaths have little regard or respect for the rights and feelings of others. Sociopaths are often charming and charismatic, but they use their talented social skills in manipulative and self-centered ways.

If this is you, don't feel ashamed because of the harsh label given to it (doesn't sociopath sound like psychopath?), remember that it is, above all else, a mental disorder, same as anorexia, depression, alcohol addictions, etc.

A compulsive liar is defined as someone who lies out of habit. Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions. Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small.  For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right. Compulsive lying is usually thought to develop in early childhood, due to being placed in an environment where lying was necessary. For the most part, compulsive liars are not overly manipulative and cunning (unlike sociopaths), rather they simply lie out of habit, as an automatic response which is hard to break and one that takes its toll on relationships. 

This is what I have diagnosed myself with, though it is of course possible that I'm wrong. You can decide for yourself which one I fit into after I have told you more about me.

 

My lying:

• My lies range from little tiny things (the colour of my socks, or an allergy) to massive, important things (an abusive relationship, a non-existent twin, a crazy dangerous exciting glamourous double life).
• I lie every day, and often don't realise that I'm lying.
• Lying comes so naturally to me. It just feels right.
• I get upset when people find out, to the point of feeling physically sick. I try and cover up or prove my lies as much as I can, and go to crazy lengths to prove them (making several fake email addresses when someone asked me to get them in contact with some people I'd invented, complete with background stories and photos of random unknown actors)
• I have been doing it for as long as I can remember, and my first 'major' lie I can remember was when I was maybe 8 or 9, and I made up some sort of magical, supernatural being, based on something I'd read about in a book about Ancient Egypt. Being 8 years old, my friend naturally believed me. I think every time I lied and got away with it, I became more and more convinced that it was ok to do.
• Though I'm currently in therapy for my lying, I continue to lie to my therapist about my progress. If anything, it has worsened.

Whether you're a pathological liar, compulsive liar, or another kind, lying hurts us and the people we love. Trust is broken, friendships are destroyed, and we start to feel like we don't know ourselves anymore. We become so good at lying that we manage to lie to ourselves. And that's the worst kind of lie.